My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
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Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Thoughts
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?