Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
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Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.