I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
You Might Also Like
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.