Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
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Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.