professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
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I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Ken is short for chicken
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time