her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
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Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you