Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
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(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)