ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
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My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.