you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
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no
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.