if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*