[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
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Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.