Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
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You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you