Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

*dancing with the stars*

*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*

me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!

*star wars*

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight

Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-

Date: aww

Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.