I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
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Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?