Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.