I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.