Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
You Might Also Like
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.