Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
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NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
These 3D printers are insane!
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Perfect
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.