When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
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Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
What’s a Messi?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*