all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
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Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around