John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
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God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
this FaceApp is creepy af
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.