Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
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stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Banderslack Clamberdorch
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…