“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
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Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999