Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
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Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle