Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
yeet
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?