who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.