I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
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Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
me adding lol on a serious message
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,