8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
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Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.