“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
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a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
🤣✨#caturday
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT