[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
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When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
i can’t wait that long
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My beach vacation Google searches
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Finally! 😈
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject