LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
You Might Also Like
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.