People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
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idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley