My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
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Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Bread puns are on the rise!
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
pizza
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them