If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
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[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away