When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
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Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Wake me when AI does housework
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.