[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
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My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong