Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
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I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
CUTE CAT‼︎
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*