Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
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Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
(True)
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.