Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
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Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
#Caturday
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.