My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
This bar smells like my childhood.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!