if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
You Might Also Like
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Whoa 😂
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
lmfao
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??