I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
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Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train