What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
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[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Erm I’m gonna say no
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Namaste
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Me: how are you
Friday: good