there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
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Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.