I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
You Might Also Like
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.