Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
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Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
They’re really bad with fonts.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously