me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
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My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic