Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
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Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring