*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
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Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”