I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash